Telephone Humour & Telephone Jokes from Abbey Telecom
Click on the following link to take you to the relevant joke
Phonetic Alphabet
Satisfied
Fred takes a coastal phone
Out to Lunch
2 Timing Call
Bathtubs and Telephones
Exasperation and Anger
Wrong Direct Dial Number
Mike's Girlfriend
Josh Called
Dear Bank Manager
RCC
A Very Busy Solicitor
Pushy Telesales
Phonebox Repairs
Barking Mad
Happy Birthday Call
Sorry, Wrong Number
How to Deal with Telemarketers
Phonetic Alphabet
"Hello, 188188? I need the number of the Abbey Telecom."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. A as in aye. B as in bee. B as in bee. E as in eye. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Satisfied
A lady was getting inundated with wrong number callers. Why? An accounts department had introduced an 0800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to change her number.
"I've had mine for fifteen years," she said. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their invoice is satisfied."
The accounts department got a new number the next day.
Fred takes a coastal phone
Fred and Doris were deep in slumber. Fred wakes to answer the phone. "How the heck should I know, that's 30 miles away!!" and slams down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asks Doris.
"I dunno, he wanted to know if the coast is clear."
Out to Lunch
It's the late 1980's, and an IT Manager’s boss at a non-profit agency had a brainwave.
"He wanted to provide a auto-attendant menu-driven telephone system that would give HR advice by phone," said the IT Manager.
"I was taken to lunch by the local phone company to discuss it. Being new to the project, I started by asking what percentage of the Ribble Valley community had touch-tone phones ... mission critical for automated attendant systems. As I remember, the food was excellent and the project was never discussed again."
2 Timing Call
The phone rang numerous times that night. A woman's voice kept asking for Danny. Each time I explained that I lived alone, my name was Damien, and she had the wrong number. Six times was enough.
"Hi?" I said.
"Can I speak to Danny, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's out. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll return?" she asked.
"I think he said he'd be back at 10 pm."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Les?"
"Yep. Do you want to leave a message for Danny?"
"Well... he asked me to call him tonight," she said, in an agitated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Joanne at 7 pm and said that he would be back at 10 pm."
A stunned voice now: "Who's Joanne?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her surname. Do you want me to leave a message for Danny?"
"Yes. Tell him to ring me when he gets back."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I will. Is this Holly?"
She exploded, "Who's Holly?"
"Well... he's going out with Holly at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Danny’s the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Cath called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I said, "Okay, I will... but Julie isn't going to like this..."
Bathtubs and Telephones
The bath-tub was invented in 1850.
The telephone was invented in 1875.
If you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bath for 25 years without being interupted by the phone.
Exaserpation and Anger
A student asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father dialled a random number. He said, "Hello, is Adrian there?"
The man answered, "There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialled the number again. "Hello, is Adrian there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and
I told you that there is no Adrian here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now
I'll show you what exasperation means."
He re-dialled and when a violent voice roared 'Hello!' , the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?"
Wrong Direct Dial Number
The company had a digital telephone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line, Tony knew it would be a wrong number.
When the phone rang, Tony answered saying, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialled the wrong number."
The callers would reply with something like, "I didn't even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong...!" (click)
Mike's Girlfirend
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialled him -- and got a woman.
"Is Jozef there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she exclaimed.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I re-dialed. A man answered, "This is Jozef."
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know, that's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Josh Called
My office said that I missed a call from "Cath" at the bank regarding our account. So, I called my bank and the switchboard operator asked me what Cath’s last name was and I explained that she hadn't left her surname.
When she asked for her department, I said that I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she told me abruptly.
So I asked her for her name.
"Joanne," she said.
"What is your surname?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give surnames."
Dear Bank Manager
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my milkman last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for forteen years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for charging £50 to my account for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs this year, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. Imitation is the greatest compliment and I know you will be proud and excited and to hear of my intentions.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, recorded delivery to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £10 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £3 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at £1.50 per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also charge an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble customer
RCC
Sudents at college were discussing the cost of long distance calls and debating the relative advantages of BT, NTL and Skype.
"I've found RCC to be the cheapest plan around," Said one.
"RCC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Reverse Charge Calls."
A Very Busy Solicitor
Dianne grew up in a small town by the sea, then moved away to study law at university. She decided to come back to the small town because she could be a big lawyer in this small town. She really wanted to impress everyone. She opened a new legal practice, but business was very slow at first.
One day, she saw a man coming up the pavement. She decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Dianne picked up the phone. She motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in London that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the judge that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Dianne rattled instructions. Finally, she put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Abbey Telecom. I am here to install your telephone line."
Pushy Telesales
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Obadiah Higginbottom?"
I asked, "Who is calling?"
The canvasser said he was with The Cheap Telephone Calls Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Obadiah personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in court to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the deceased and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The canvasser was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Phonebox Repairs
Dave was a frequent user of a payphone at a petrol station, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone faulty.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Dave again contacted BT and said that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working OK...except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A telephone engineer arrived within the hour!
Barking Mad
Jozef, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 3.33 A.M. by his telephone.
"Your barking dog is keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Jozef thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 3:33 A.M., Jozef called his neighbour back.
"Good morning, Mr. Walker. Just called to say that I haven’t got a dog."
Happy Birthday Call
A couple dialed a friend, then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their rendition, they discovered that they had misdialled.
"Don't worry," said a strange but amused voice. "You need all the practice you can get."
Sorry Wrong Number
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Patrick’s house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 721111?"
"No, this is 721112." Patrick replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for bothering you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Patrick said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
How to Deal with Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Smith from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,"Alison! Is that you? Oh my God! Alison, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Alison a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your friend Harold, playing a joke. "Come on Harold, cut it out! Seriously, Harold, how's your whippet?"
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
